The End of the Beginning

Graduation is on Sunday. Come the end of the day May 20th, I will be leaving Brandeis quite possibly for good, with a Bachelor of Arts in History and East Asian Studies. I don't quite know how to feel about that, to be honest. Now that the day has finally come, it feels almost anticlimactic. Kind of like, what really is different now? Come Monday morning, what will honestly have changed in my life?

There really isn't any one moment I can point to and say "this is the turning point". Unless you want to count an entire year (my junior year spent abroad in Japan, specifically) as a turning point, and I would tend not to. A college education isn't any different in my opinion - it's not like having a piece of paper evokes some magical change on my day-to-day existence, even if it is a piece of paper people recognize as a diploma. It will open doors and say something about who I am to potential employers, and I am grateful for that much. I don't regret getting a college education; indeed, I'm glad I did.

And I can point to so many things that the last four years have done for me. If nothing else, there's the Japanese. I went into college knowing not a word of the language, and I leave it having passed the N2 level of the Japanese Language Proficiency Test intending to use my skill with the language as a key focus for my career. It's a little hard to believe today that I thought Japanese would just be a hobby for me, now that it's become something approaching a defining passion of my life. (That reminds me, I need to put more translations of things up here on my blog... I've been not doing that lately.)

Plus, the people I met. Oh yes. It is kind of sad to think that I might not see some of these people... well, ever again, possibly. Unfortunately, I doubt that any of my job prospects are going to keep me in the Massachusetts area. In between the club activities I participated in and the friends I made along the way, there's a real argument to be made for actually finding a reason to stay in this area! (Which actually wouldn't entirely help, since several of my friends are also going off to do their own things...) Certainly, compared to high school, I feel like I was able to form some semblance of a social life here.

Long story short, college life is coming to an end for me. I am reaching the end of the marked-out paths, the culturally expected route to adulthood, and the time has come for me to start making my own path. And there's definitely a sense of trepidation and uncertainty at that. But so be it - in the grand play of my life, the curtain falls on act I. And feeling uncertain about what will come in act II won't stop it coming, all the same.

Why I Didn't Attend PAX East

I imagine it should be apparent from my blog that I ended up going to Anime Boston a little over a month ago. Of course, there was another convention in Boston that same weekend, one that no small amount of my friends ended up going to. I was tempted, myself, to drop by PAX East, even if only to go talk to the Riot Games people about League of Legends. In the end, though, I ended up skipping PAX East this past April, and I don't regret that decision.

Part of that was simple apathy. I had a limited amount of time that weekend anyway, and it was easier for me to sit around the Hynes Convention Center at Anime Boston than it was to hike across Boston to the convention center in which PAX East was being held. Part of that was finances; it's not like I couldn't have spared the $35 to get in, but I just didn't have enough of a desire to get in to make spending the money worthwhile.

The largest part of it, though, was the fact that I am not really a fan of Penny Arcade, and never have been. Because I have never really bothered to read the comic, my knowledge of Penny Arcade is shaped by incidents like this one. Yes, I know, the dickwolves incident is almost two years ago now. Unfortunately for Penny Arcade, it's what I remember of their comic, and when friends of mine asked me if I was going to PAX East, it's what I thought of.

And perhaps I would be being a little unfair if it was an isolated incident, if you can even call an extended pattern of responses and arguments an "isolated incident" (you can't)... now what's this?

Sodapop minis had their Kickstarter shut down. You can still support their new game tentacle bento over on their site. girls.sodapopminiatures.com/content/fund-t…

— cwgabriel (@cwgabriel) May 16, 2012

For the record, yes, he has every right to support whatever he likes, even a game that takes a tongue-in-cheek, satirical look at a particularly problematic genre. Just as I have every right to condemn him, Penny Arcade, and PAX for it. In short, "but free speech!" will not fly here.

For the record, yes, liking problematic things doesn't make you a terrible person. Not automatically, anyway. The blog post at that link there is really the best breakdown (that I know of) of how not to become a terrible person when talking about problematic things, even ones you like. I certainly can't do any better.

Speaking personally, I am no stranger to hentai, although I usually shy away from tentacle porn and any depictions of rape or assault. I don't find seuxal assault to be arousing or interesting, and playing games that end up trivializing or glossing over it isn't something I really want to do. What hentai I do look at is usually in the form of visual novels, a particular type of computer game that I find to have engaging stories (that do include sex scenes) and characters who actually have their own feelings and desires, who don't exist solely for the pleasure of the (assumed male) protagonist or player.

That isn't to say they're not problematic, because they are. Some of the sex scenes depicted in those works are still highly questionable (whether by playing the "rape-as-plot-element" card, or otherwise by uncritically presenting sexual assault), and some elements of the stories are also problematic, or at least unrealistic. I'm not really prepared to go into the details here; a detailed analysis of the story of, say, Kanon, would probably be an entirely separate post. For the moment, I will leave it with this: that usually the stories and characters involved are interesting and engaging enough for me to find these things worthwhile, despite their very real problems.

Call it satire if you like - a game like the one he's promoting there doesn't actually say anything worthwhile about those problems, in my opinion. I don't think hentai should have to involve rape, and I think laughing at the prevalence of rape in hentai is counterproductive at best. I think it's possible to create games, whether card games like this one or computer games like my visual novels, that can be sexual or erotic and yet not involve sexual assault.

And the fact that the people who run Penny Arcade and PAX East don't seem to share my concerns is a problem. It is, in fact, a problem that has kept me away from PAX East this last spring, and will likely do so for many years to come. Condemn me for that decision if you will, but I have the ability to choose who and what I want to support. Until I believe that PAX East is more in line with the way I want the world to be, I won't be supporting them.

ETA: Shakesville linked to my post in their own coverage of this particular incident. I highly recommend going and checking out that post, because it's an excellent summary of the situation and collection of other posts on the matter.

President Obama on Marriage Equality

And just yesterday I called out President Obama for failing in his advocacy for LGBT rights... then this happened. (emphasis from original)

I have to tell you that over the course of several years as I have talked to friends and family and neighbors when I think about members of my own staff who are in incredibly committed monogamous relationships, same-sex relationships, who are raising kids together, when I think about those soldiers or airmen or marines or sailors who are out there fighting on my behalf and yet feel constrained, even now that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is gone, because they are not able to commit themselves in a marriage, at a certain point I’ve just concluded that for me personally it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same sex couples should be able to get married.

Words matter. Knowing that the President has now openly and publicly embraced the idea of marriage for all matters a great deal. It changes the way we as a society think about and discuss the concept of marriage, and it forces a shift in the discussion, normalizing the idea of marriage for all people. It energizes advocates for marriage equality to know that the sitting President of the United States has said this. For being willing to come out and support marriage equality on the record, thank you, President Obama.

However, I said this on Twitter and I'll say it again here: words only go so far. I don't say that to minimize the excitement and energy that has overtaken the progressive movement, because I truly believe that this has had a major impact on us. But there's still more to be done. I, for one, look forward to seeing these words become meaningful changes in national law and policy - the kinds of changes that would truly allow same-sex couples to be able to marry each other across the United States. Especially in the wake of North Carolina's vote yesterday, that's the kind of thing we need more than ever.

Your campaign slogan, President Obama, is now "Forward." Hearing you say things like what came out this afternoon can almost make me believe in your support of that idea of forward progress once again. As long as you're going to stand up and champion real forward progress, I will stand with you.

Socialism in the White House!

Days like these, with posts like this one, make me wonder if anyone actually bothers to educate themselves on what Obama's actually doing in office.

The ultimate task for the people is to remain vigilant and aware  ~ that the government, their government is out of control, and this moment, this opportunity, must not be forsaken, must not escape us, for we shall not have any coarse but armed revolution should we fail with the power of the vote in November ~ This Republic cannot survive for 4 more years underneath this political socialist ideologue.

Now to be fair, it's not like I haven't used similar rhetoric before - that the U.S. wouldn't survive four years of the wrong president (although I know I've never advocated for armed rebellion). Usually I confine that kind of thing to personal discussions with close friends and family, and given my own ideological bent I'm talking about people like Ron Paul or Rick Santorum. But I have said that kind of thing before, how I don't think the U.S. would actually survive four years of a hardcore Republican presidency.

For the record, I haven't ever said that of Romney. Which isn't to say that I would like Romney being elected as President, because I'm almost dead certain that I wouldn't particularly enjoy such a presidency. I'm just confident that the United States would survive those four years.

Likewise, it's not that I think Obama is all sunshine and rainbows. In fact, there are quite a few things I don't think I like about our current President. I think he's entirely failing in his advocacy for LGBT rights, for one thing, and he's only barely doing any better on reproductive rights or equality for women. Then there's the assassination of a U.S. citizen without trial and the continued problem that is Guantanamo Bay. Believe me, I can find plenty of problems with Obama's policies.

None of that, though, is the impetus for the stuff I quoted above. Hell, I rather suspect most of my problems with the Obama presidency would be counted as positive signs if the people that produced that quote ever bothered to traffic in reality. No, this idea that Obama is a partisan socialist ideologue is simply false, and has been since he took office. That doesn't seem to stop his critics from pretending that he is, but then the modern Republican Party seems to have little time or attention to spare on those pesky, annoying things the rest of us like to call facts. Why should they, when they can just scream "SOCIALISM!" and actually get people to listen to them?

(h/t to Right Wing Watch)

Take Back the Night!

This evening, I participated in a candlelight march on Brandeis campus to Take Back the Night.

Right as we started, when we all went around the circle to say why we had come to the march, all I could think of to say is that that was where I needed to be. And I'm incredibly glad that I did decide to go. I have never been sexually assaulted myself, but I honestly believe there is no one on this earth who can say that they don't know anyone who's been sexually assaulted. Before tonight, I would have said this: not that I did not know anyone who had been sexually assaulted, but that I had not known anyone who had been willing to trust me with their story.

I am truly awed by the courage and determination of the people that did speak over the course of the march, and I am honored to have been a part of that group, to have been accepted as a part of it and trusted with those stories. Though every word that I heard tonight was worth hearing, I will share but one of those stories here, for only my own story is mine to tell.

As a junior, I went to study abroad in Japan. (My time in Japan is chronicled in an earlier blog of mine.) Commuting - in my case to and from school - is an almost unavoidable part of life in Japan, and so it was for me as well. Returning to my host family's home from school meant a forty-minute train ride, followed by a fifteen-minute walk from the train station to that home. The only way to avoid that walk was to take the bus, an expenditure that I preferred to avoid.

And so I would walk. Fifteen to twenty minutes. Depending on what day it was, sometimes my class schedule would mean walking after sunset. The road was mostly unlit and usually completely deserted. And I would make that walk without hesitation, without fear. My host mother would say that I would be fine - and unsaid every time, that there were some people who wouldn't be. That even though I could walk that in safety, some people - had I been a young woman, rather than a young man, perhaps? - could not count on being safe in such conditions.

My story is a story of nothing happening. Of making that walk in safety, three or more times a week for seven months of my life. And at the end of the march, as I shared that story, the only thing I could think of to say is this: I went this evening so that I could do something. So that I could help in some small way to build a world where everyone can make that walk in safety and without fear.

Reports from Festival of the LARPs 2012

I'm the president of Brandeis University's gaming club - and by gaming, I mean non-traditional board games and role-playing games, all the way up to theater-style live action role-playing. As a result, it fell on me to help run an event we like to call Festival, a weekend-long convention at which quite a number of awesome LARPs were run over the last weekend. (That word "help" is important; I wasn't in charge, but I was on the event staff.)

I'm not by any means a dedicated LARPer, but I have played in a few before (most notably at Festival two years ago) and certainly I enjoy the unique fun of entirely pretending to be someone else for a little while. Tabletop RPGs are fun, no doubt about that, but it can be hard to maintain the verisimilitude of role-playing sometimes when all you've got are some dice. And theater-style LARPing, in which combat is adjudicated through some kind of mechanic (such as drawing a card to produce a random number), and in which character interaction comes to the forefront, usually produces an enjoyable few hours of conversation and intrigue.

Of course, I wasn't just helping to run Festival. I took almost every chance I got to play in games over the weekend as well. I can't say too much about any of them, because I don't want to reveal spoilers about the games, but I'll share what thoughts I can.

Over the weekend, I played in four games. I only actually signed up for three, but the game on Friday evening needed another player, and I ended up filling in for that slot. And on that note, my first game of the weekend was Venezia. It was a historical game set in 15th century Italy that gave each player wide latitude to affect the way the game played out; major decisions shaped the events that occurred both for one's own player and for others. For a game that I wasn't planning on playing, I had a great deal of fun; the character sheets were extraordinarily long, but absolutely worth the time and effort to deal with, and my character was a joy to role-play as. (Also, the level of effort that the GMs put into decoration and setting up the scene was nothing short of amazing.)

Following that, I made the mistake of daring to sign up for three games on Saturday. What this meant in practical terms was that I was committing myself to 12 hours of gaming, on only about six hours of sleep. Given that all three of the games I signed up for required a high degree of mental engagement (there weren't any fluffy LARPs on my schedule that day), I was kind of setting myself up for a crash. It did come... but I'll get to that in due time.

First up on Saturday was The Stand, a Western-themed LARP. It gave me the excuse to go looking for a Western-themed costume, which ended up being awesome, and now I own a new hat. So yeah. Past that, it was a perfectly solid LARP. I feel like I didn't do as much as I might have liked to accomplish, and looking back on the game I definitely ended up kind of missing the point of what my character was trying to accomplish. (I still succeeded in his goals, though! Just kind of inadvertently.) It's not like I didn't get things done, but I feel like very little of it was overwhelmingly important.

Unfortunately, the length of game wrap-up (which was worth it anyway to figure out what I was supposed to be doing) meant that I pretty much skipped lunch break and went straight into the second game of the day, Dance of Flame and Shadow. It was my favorite game of the weekend anyway. Just to make this clear, it was a game set in the world of White Wolf's Vampire: The Masquerade, and I now have my own (legally purchased PDF) copy of the rule book for that game. Draw your own conclusions.

I think I ended up playing my character a little oddly, but there's not exactly anything I can do about that now. Besides, I'm pretty sure it all worked out in the end. Unfortunately, there's very little I feel like I can say about the game, because spoilers. I found the game wrap-up to be awesomely hilarious (in a "ha ha I win" way), and I can't even talk about why that is. *sigh*

Moving on, I did manage to score myself some dinner (yay first actual meal of the day! ... no, it didn't end well) before moving on to Interesting Times. I was attracted to this game by the promise of singing in public. No, really. The game was essentially a vaguely steampunky musical turned into a LARP. I was freaking out over my level of preparedness before the game, because I hadn't listened to my songs all that much, but in the end the music side of things went off pretty much without a hitch. I loved having an excuse to sing my thoughts to the world, and the songs were fun and enjoyable to play with too.

Unfortunately, I've been alluding to an impending crash all through this post? Yeah, at this point it's getting close to midnight. The character sheets for Interesting Times were decidedly unlike any others I've dealt with (mostly in that they lacked a clear accounting of people you know, and also didn't define goals clearly either), forcing me to pay a lot more attention to what I'm trying to do. Essentially, I spent at least the last hour of the game entirely disengaged, as a result of being both exhausted and confused. The songs made it all worthwhile, really, but...

So yeah, that was my weekend. I have missed LARPing; unfortunately it's not an activity that one can do anytime you like, and I keep moving around and not really staying in one place long enough to really get into a LARPing community. I mean, I'm acquaintances with a lot of the people here in Massachusetts, but I don't know how much longer I'll be sticking around...

Well, I'll keep an eye out wherever I do end up, because I do like playing LARPs. And anyone that is in the broad New England area? Festival's running again at Brandeis next year, of that I have little doubt.

(Note on comments: If people would like, I have no problems with discussing the games that I played in detail in comments. Given that, I won't even attempt to avoid spoilers in the comments.)

Voices Worth Hearing

Transitioning into an introductory women's and gender studies class has proved to be an interesting experience for me, this semester. Oddly enough, my introduction to feminism was Shakesville, a blog that quite explicitly does not prioritize basic introduction to feminism, and I think that's certainly shaped the way I think about feminism and about progressive issues.

Particularly, we ended up having a spirited debate in class today about consideration of other cultures and viewpoints. Intersectionality has been a critical part of the class pretty much from day one, and I think the best point that came out of today's discussion was that American culture is not in any sense monolithic, and that there are wide racial and class divisions that can't and shouldn't be erased with broad references to American culture.

One thing that I heard in the discussion, however, particularly stuck with me. What does it mean to consider those differences, either between cultures or within them? To me, intersectionality means taking care to ensure that we do not repeat the mistakes that created this culture in the first place - mistakes such as speaking "down" to other perspectives or ignoring voices that should have a place at the table.

I think it's important to say, though, that that doesn't mean every voice deserves equal consideration.

I am a man; I will lose something if the culture that I seek to create is brought to fruition. That doesn't mean I'm being treated unequally; it means that I already have the advantages of male privilege, and that part of creating an equal society will mean erasing those advantages. I accept that as the cost of creating that equal society, because I consider the alternative (the persistence of the existing unequal society) to be worse.

Needless to say, not all men agree with me. There are no small number of voices who denounce what they view as the growing damage being done to men by the feminism that I and others champion. There are no small number of voices who jealously defend their male privilege, whether unknowingly as something they have earned, or knowingly as the proper place of men in the world - and the same could be said of any other privileged group defending its privilege.

The point? Some voices are worth hearing, and intersectionality is the reminder to all of us not to shut out such voices. Some voices can testify to their own personal experiences and provide important perspectives on issues that would otherwise be an unknown to the rest of the participants. Such voices must be respected, honored, and heard.

Other voices, such as those like the ones I discussed in reference to male privilege, seek to defend the privilege they possess. I am under no obligation to show deference to such views. The best I can offer is this: I can take one shot at explaining why such views are harmful, why clinging to privilege is counterproductive. And if it turns out that that voice is not receptive, I will not continue slamming into a brick wall of futility - I'll shut that voice out without a shred of regret.

Intersectionality is the reminder to listen to those voices worth hearing. It is not a demand to respect voices that are better shouted down.